well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize