You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
