I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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