Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
