I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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