i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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