so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
