DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I fill condoms, not promises.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
