That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
