Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
