You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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