i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
