i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
