So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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