all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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