he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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