I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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