She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize