I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
