the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
