Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
