I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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