hotel room ftw
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
