nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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