Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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