I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Randomize
