I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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