I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
