Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
