and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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