Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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