I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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