drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
