im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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