I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
