My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't deserve a penis
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
