I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
