I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
