i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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