I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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