Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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