Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
