wanna go halves on a baby?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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