i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
