Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
