God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
