Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
