So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
