Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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