I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
