If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
