Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
