I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
