There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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