Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
