she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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