I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
