@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize