Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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